The beauty of imperfection...

Some people would say that life is an adventure and you should live it up. My life is like trying to put together a puzzle using pieces from 10 different puzzles, it doesn't seem like this puzzle will turn out to be a very beautiful one. Nothing seems to fit right or make sense...and the more I try to make sense of everything the more confusing it gets. Only a few people know this but a month ago I was pretty much stripped of any and every social luxury I had, especially with someone who meant more then anything to me. I made some stupid choices out of sin and I am greatly paying the price. My mom has started a weekly bible study with me, she sees that I am totally and completely drained and so I guess she decided that by having a bible study with me maybe she could get me back on the right track. This past week she told me that when my siblings and I were kids she used to tell us that if we ever got lost in a store that we should always go back to the last place we saw her, and in the same sense I needed to go back to last time I really had a sound relationship with God and from what she can see that would be when my grandmother died. As soon as those words came out of her mouth I felt as if a bulldozer had hit me right in the chest and immediately the wall I have built up over my heart for so many years went up in a split second and I felt nothing. I have taught myself over the years to let everything go to my head, not my heart. Once I started listening to what she was saying I realized how right she was. I recently had the opportunity to write down my experience of my grandmothers death for a school paper. I have never opened up about it because I never saw it necessary. My mom read my paper recently and I guess realized that after almost 5 years, I'm still  grieving her death which in all honesty I've just recently realized myself. It's not that I am or was mad at God but that I was mad at myself. For the 13 years I had with her I feel like I wasted 90% of the time I ever had with her and when it came to telling her goodbye before she passed away...I was too overwhelmed to even give her the curtsy of saying goodbye. That is what has been eating me alive for 5 years. It has destroyed me emotionally and mentally and it has destroyed the relationships I have had with loved ones. I created such a strong wall to block out anyone that wants to come too close because I couldn't bear losing someone again who meant so much. Well now that I know what my problem is, I just have to find a solution. I do pray that one day I will be able to just live life again and have an open heart to God and those around me. I just pray that those who have had to suffer through my hard times, will be able to forgive me for any wrongs I have done to them and bear with me as I go through this process of healing a broken heart. Maybe all of my pieces aren't suppose to be from the same puzzle. Beauty doesn't come from perfection but rather imperfection.