The beauty of imperfection...

Some people would say that life is an adventure and you should live it up. My life is like trying to put together a puzzle using pieces from 10 different puzzles, it doesn't seem like this puzzle will turn out to be a very beautiful one. Nothing seems to fit right or make sense...and the more I try to make sense of everything the more confusing it gets. Only a few people know this but a month ago I was pretty much stripped of any and every social luxury I had, especially with someone who meant more then anything to me. I made some stupid choices out of sin and I am greatly paying the price. My mom has started a weekly bible study with me, she sees that I am totally and completely drained and so I guess she decided that by having a bible study with me maybe she could get me back on the right track. This past week she told me that when my siblings and I were kids she used to tell us that if we ever got lost in a store that we should always go back to the last place we saw her, and in the same sense I needed to go back to last time I really had a sound relationship with God and from what she can see that would be when my grandmother died. As soon as those words came out of her mouth I felt as if a bulldozer had hit me right in the chest and immediately the wall I have built up over my heart for so many years went up in a split second and I felt nothing. I have taught myself over the years to let everything go to my head, not my heart. Once I started listening to what she was saying I realized how right she was. I recently had the opportunity to write down my experience of my grandmothers death for a school paper. I have never opened up about it because I never saw it necessary. My mom read my paper recently and I guess realized that after almost 5 years, I'm still  grieving her death which in all honesty I've just recently realized myself. It's not that I am or was mad at God but that I was mad at myself. For the 13 years I had with her I feel like I wasted 90% of the time I ever had with her and when it came to telling her goodbye before she passed away...I was too overwhelmed to even give her the curtsy of saying goodbye. That is what has been eating me alive for 5 years. It has destroyed me emotionally and mentally and it has destroyed the relationships I have had with loved ones. I created such a strong wall to block out anyone that wants to come too close because I couldn't bear losing someone again who meant so much. Well now that I know what my problem is, I just have to find a solution. I do pray that one day I will be able to just live life again and have an open heart to God and those around me. I just pray that those who have had to suffer through my hard times, will be able to forgive me for any wrongs I have done to them and bear with me as I go through this process of healing a broken heart. Maybe all of my pieces aren't suppose to be from the same puzzle. Beauty doesn't come from perfection but rather imperfection.      

Trent Richardson...

So this past weekend we added a new member to our family! I named him after Trent Richardson! He is a HUGE black Lab Newfoundland mix. He is only a year old and already weighs 80 pounds! I take him running every day and he has a slight problem with stopping...oh well atleast it's getting me back into shape! Since I've been on a bit of restriction, I've been giving him every bit of my spare time and I hope he will turn out to be a very well trained dog. I can't wait to see how well behaved he will be in a few months! Or rather atleast not drag me around everywhere...haha

1 Corinthians 13:4-8  Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.  Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away.

The Journey...

 So I recently had to write my testimony for something so I figured I might as well put it on here too :) So here ya go!
     As I looked into the deep, dark, smelly, snake infested water below I got this feeling of fear. The longer I stayed on that broken, rotten tree limb the closer I felt to the water. The only thing keeping me from falling into that water was that old tree limb. As a ten year old child, I was putting all of my faith and trust in that limb. How foolish I was to put faith in such an insecure item. My faith in Christ has been based so many times on insecure things such as, what I feel and and think. I began my walk with Christ at the age of five, I remember being amazed at the fact that someone could love me more then my Dad. One night after asking many questions and thinking about what Jesus had done for me on the cross, I made the decision to become a child of God by believing that Jesus died for me and asking Him to forgive my sins. That night I started a long journey with Christ that will not end until the day I leave this world and enter the presence of God. Faith in God came so much easier to me as a child because it did not matter if I could see him or not and I knew in my heart that He loved me. Although, through this journey as a teen I struggled with knowing that God loved me. I love to please people and whenever I see any hint of disappointment from someone I'm crushed. So I just figured that every day of my life was just a disappointment to God because I'm not perfect and sin. So why should He love me? Even today I struggle with this lie that Satan uses often to discourage me and unfortunately this is just one of many lies that Satan has used during my journey to throw me off course. But through these 12 years of having a personal relationship with my Creator, I have learned that God's love for me is unconditional and endless no matter how many wrong things I do in a day. As well as, that I should put my faith in the truth of His word that can sustain any lie Satan will ever bring my way. 
Romans 5:8 but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

My hero...

God's timing...

I wish I could ride a beautiful black stallion over the hills of Oklahoma...wouldn't that be nice? Maybe actually escape from stress...stress that I've been dealing with since October. Yeah my parents decided to "turn our lives around" because they were bad parents and needed to change their parenting style. This change was suppose to affect us all for the better...it was to take a hold on our sinful lives and help us become more obedient and loving children. At first I thought wow is this a joke? Really guys? My senior year you decide to be THOSE parents that I always made fun of and thought they had lost their minds? After having pride in the way my parents were because all my friends were so jealous and wanted parents just like mine. Yeah I was pretty upset and mad with my parents for weeks...I never wanted to forgive them...I felt like they had ruined my life. BUT eventually I learned to let it go and just keep on living life by the grace of God. I thought that after awhile all of this would just blow over and everything would go back to normal OR I thought maybe they had good reason for their craziness and something good would come from it. Now about four months later, the only good thing I've seen is that we get more school done. Yeah I love my parents and over this experience I have definitely learned to respect them and their decisions even if they seem completely ridiculous to me, but in all honesty I'm tired of it and I'm ready to move away and be done. I'm ready to make my own decisions and not have to be nervous for DAYS before asking my parents something simple like going to a friends house. I'm ready to be responsible for my own choices and life. I'm ready to decide how much time I spend with people or doing things. I guess you can say I have Senioritis and I'm done. The hardest thing for me is realizing that God has me here at this time for a purpose. My role model is my Grandfather, he has always been there for me and he is one of the Godliest men I know. The other day he told me that being content in a situation is knowing that God has a timing for everything and realizing that whatever the timing is it must be perfect because God's perfect. I'll never forget that. Even now, when I can't wait to "grow up" that piece of advise has and will help me more then I will ever now. 

College...woo...hoo...

     I can't stand the word college...it almost haunts me like a ghost. Isn't that terrible? Even though I'm so ready to graduate and so ready to move on with my life, I'm not ready to move away for college. Now I know its only a little over an hour away but still...just thinking about being separated from David, Hannah, Maegan, and my family makes me sad. I can't even begin to imagine what life will be like not living close to them, although it won't be too terribly awful since I can come home every Friday and spend the weekend at home. I wish I could just throw everyone in my suit case and bring them along for the joyous ride of college but I guess that's not realistic...although it would be fun trying to get my friends to fit inside a suit case, it would be humorous to watch! Oh well...I'm sure I'll live